Nine Months Later

My sweet Kylie only a few weeks after being diagnosed.

When the doctor told me he was 100% sure my daughter Kylie had diabetes, my heart stopped!  I didn't know a whole lot about the disease, but having a father-in-law who has suffered with it since he was 11 years old, I knew enough to know I did NOT want this for my daughter!  I was a wreck the whole way to the hospital.  I've already told how it all went down, now I want to share what the last 9 months has been like.

When Kylie was diagnosed, I never actually questioned why.  I knew why.  I heard it thousands of times in church and at religious institutions.  This life is a test.  It is not perfect.  It would not be easy.  There would be trials. Our bodies were not made perfect.  One day yes, everything will be perfect, but for now, it's not.  The only why question I pondered, but never really asked my Heavenly Father was why such a young age?  Not just for Kylie and diabetes, but in general; why must so many infants and children go through so many heartbreaking challenges?  As I wondered this, a story I learned many years ago in seminary came to mind.  That is, the story of a young boy named Joseph Smith.  Many know the story, but in case you don't, here's a small recap.  At the young age of 8, Joseph suffered a very sever infection in his leg.  In those days, amputation was the only option.  However Joseph chose to undergo an experimental surgery to try and save his leg.  Joseph also denied alcohol which would have greatly reduced the pain of surgery.  He was taught by his loving parents to never partake of it, and even with no other anesthetic available, he chose to endure the pain, then to break a commandment.  His leg was saved, but left him with a life long limp.  Now I've known this story most of my life, but what I learned in seminary that day was something new.  The infection in Josephs leg was a test.  A test that would inevitably have a huge impact on the great future which lie ahead for this young boy.  Because of this test, it helped to shape him into the man he would become, a prophet of God, an instrument in the Lords hands to bring back the gospel of Christ which had long since been forgotten.

While this may not apply to EVERY child or even trial, it brought comfort to me.  I prayed that night, not asking why, but how.  How do we get through this?  How can I help her?  How do I make her understand what's happening; how her life will never be the same?  I prayed, not for God to take away this awful disease, but that diabetes would make my daughter STRONGER!  That this new road she now had to travel would make her an even better person than she could have ever become without it.  I prayed that somehow, someway, diabetes would become a blessing, not a curse.  I didn't know how or if it could even happen, but I wanted my daughter to make the very best out of a difficult life long trial. That is what I prayed for.  For this trial to help shape her into the amazing women I know she will one day become.  Yes, I believe, even without diabetes, she would have still become an amazing, loving young women, but perhaps with diabetes, she will far exceed anything she could have become without it.  Now my daughter has always been the most compassionate person I have ever encountered.  From a young age she lived to please people and to make them happy.  She LOVES to help out and has always been so considerate of others.  She'll even sacrifice the things she loves, just to put a smile on someones face.  I didn't know how diabetes could make her any better than she already was, but I prayed for it anyway. 

It has been almost 9 months since that day.  I believe my prayers have been heard!  My daughter never ceases to amaze me!  She has endured over a THOUSAND shots and almost twice as many finger pricks!  I remember shortly after she was diagnosed we were traveling to visit family.  We stopped at a gas station for a quick bathroom break. As we were leaving, my girls inevitably wanted many of the snacks displayed throughout the store.  I told them we had some treats in the car and I would give them one, but reminded Kylie she would have to have a shot.  She threw her head back and exclaimed, "I don't care about my diabetes!"  She could care less about having a shot, and just wanted to eat her treat, no matter what it took!  I smiled and inside was so ecstatic that my little girl didn't care.  She knew she had to have a shot anytime she wanted to eat, and she was more than willing to do it!  It didn't seem to bother her in the least!  Most day's are exactly like that, she does it without any complaint.  There are often times where she has to remind ME she needs her shot!  Yes we have our bad days.  There are occasions where it gets to her, but those days are far and in-between.  I try to stay optimistic for her.  I remember a moment where she said she hated diabetes.  I told her it wasn't all that bad, you get sugar anytime you're low.  She got a huge smile on her face and said, "Oh yeah!"  One more incident I must share that left me smiling and even laughing a little.  Her blood sugar was low, she tested herself (without me even knowing because she's just awesome like that), came into the room with a juice and some candy, told me her number was forty something and asked which one she could have.  That's a pretty low number, so I told her she could have the juice and two pieces of candy.  She happily skipped out of the room excited to have both!  Really kid?!  Is it really that awesome?!  Love her optimism!

Do I still want a cure?  Ummmm...... hello, YES!!!!  Even though my daughter is amazing when it comes to her diabetes, I still very much would LOVE a cure!  There are times where it gets to me.  I find when I take a moment to look at all the insulin we have stocked in our fridge, it breaks my heart!  She will be on this medication for the REST OF HER LIFE!  It's so strange to think this is my daughters life now.  But I shut the fridge and move on, hoping one day she will be lucky enough to see a cure and be able to once again live a needle free life.  Until that day, we will continue on, hopefully staying positive and allowing diabetes to make not only her life, but all our lives better in some strange way.

Do I hate diabetes?  This is a hard question.  Not long after Kylie was diagnosed I went searching for others in similar situations.  I came across a blog with a very profound post!  I would HIGHLY recommend reading THIS post if you have the time.  Seriously, it's a little long, but SO profound!  Basically she said hating diabetes would be like hating a part of your child.  So no, I don't hate diabetes.  I love every part of my little girl, even the parts that don't work like 'normal'.  Do I still wish I could take it away?  That I could give her back the life she once knew?  ABSOLUTELY!  If I could change it I would.  To be honest, there are moments when diabetes down right TERRIFIES me!  Every night I put my daughter to bed I worry she may not wake up the next morning.  And every morning I am grateful she DID wake up!  Yes, this disease is deadly; an untreated low blood glucose level could very well take her life, especially at night when no one is around to see it.  I am SOOOOO grateful my daughter feels her lows and will actually wake up on her own and come and get me.  In the beginning she was waking up almost EVERY night!  Do you know how frightening that is?!  I pray for a cure just as much as I continue to pray that diabetes will give her strength in ways she could have never known otherwise.

Now if only I could be this optimistic about all the other trials I've been given, life would be awesome!  :)